ricky roberts, 12/12/69-02/27/11

*This is one of the hardest things I've written in the recent past. Please bear with me while I struggle to get this out.*

A little more than six years ago, I met a man named Ricky Roberts. He came into my life and the lives of my family members as the new youth pastor for Lakewood Church (now known as Friend Church). Ricky joined our church with his then wife, Linda, and their two daughters Nikkie and Hope.

Ricky was one of the coolest people I had ever met. He was so full of life! He adored his wife, Linda, and he loved his two daughters with everything he had. He had a passion for the youth in our church and he was dedicated to all of us kids. It was one of the first times I had ever run into someone in the church who was open and honest about the screw ups he had done in the past. He was open about his "wild child" days as a youth himself. He was honest with us about his past drug and alcohol abuse. He was honest with us about turning his life around because he finally found something worth living for.

Ricky was an addict. He spoke of his Recovery and how God's love saved him. It was touching and moving. He was someone I found myself trusting. I came to love and respect him and his family. They are truly amazing people.

It was in May of 2004 that I found out about my Mom's former problem with drugs. I was shocked and stunned that my Mom had ever struggled with something like that, even as a kid. As I tried to process the information that I had found out, another shocking blow came down and rocked my world. Ricky had admitted to a relapse. He had resigned as youth pastor from Lakewood and was checking himself into rehab. I was stunned.

I remember being terrified at the implications. If Ricky, a strong man of God could relapse on this stuff, what would stop my Mom from doing the same thing? What if she already had? I sat on these fears, keeping them to myself for the duration of the summer. At the time I was ignorant about the disease of addiction. All I knew was that it was this big thing, this dark and terrible thing that I had never previously imagined could even touch my world, never mind come crashing down on it.

As the summer wore on, my fears increased as my Mom's behavior grew a little more erratic. I overheard phone calls talking about inpatient versus outpatient treatments, I heard my Mom crying and I knew deep in my gut that before too much longer I would hear the words "drug" and "problem" together again. My fears culminated into a real life nightmare one October night when my Mom sat all of us kids down and told us that she would be leaving the next day for rehab. She had a drug problem and she wanted to get better.

I'll spare the details of the following months, but it wasn't too much time later (after she got out of rehab, I'm pretty sure) that she shared this with me: The only reason she was able to have the strength to admit to her problem and check into rehab was because of Ricky. When she saw that he was strong enough to do it and that the church and his friends were still willing to stick around and support him, she knew that she could do the same.

It was Ricky who helped her understand that Recovery was possible, that the nightmare of addiction didn't have to follow her for the rest of her life. Ricky was the one who opened her eyes to alternate forms of therapy. She even said tonight that she's not sure where she would be right now if he hadn't opened her eyes like that.

The unfortunate reality of addiction is that relapses happen. My Mom relapsed a couple of times after she got out of rehab. It was a struggle for her, but she eventually got to a point where her real Recovery began. Ricky relapsed several times. I know that things got bad and we didn't hear alot from him for a long time. The last I heard, he was having health problems, but was still alive and out there somewhere. My heart was broken that such an awesome man was having such a hard time getting past something so dark. I wanted so desperately for him to get on a healthy path. I wanted it for him and for his family.

I don't know where Ricky was at today when he woke up. I don't know if he woke up in a haze of drugs and alcohol. I don't know if he woke up with the clarity that comes with sobriety. All I know is that he woke up today.

But he won't wake up tomorrow.

Ricky died today. He died of a massive heart attack. (That's what preliminary stories say.) I am feeling the loss as if it was a family member who had passed. I can't stop crying. I cry and then I'm in utter shock and then I cry and then I go into shock again. I hadn't spoken to or seen him in years but he still meant a great deal to me. His courage and his love for people changed my life. The acknowledgment of his own personal demons helped my family in more ways that I can think of at the moment.

I'm hurting as I think of the great man the world lost. I'm hurting as I think of all the things that he could have accomplished. But mostly I'm hurting because I can't even imagine the loss that his family is feeling right now. His daughters are only in high school and I can't even begin to imagine what it must be like to suffer such a devastating loss at such a young age. My heart goes out to them as they try to process this tragic event.

I'm just in utter shock right now. I can't sleep. I can't turn my brain off right now. It's just too sad.

lindsayallison

Ricky Roberts, 12/12/69-02/27/11

a string of thoughts

I'm feeling a little down tonight. I have a lot on my mind. Mostly things of an extremely personal nature that I just don't feel comfortable sharing here for all the world to see.

One thing I am struggling with is forgiveness. I found myself in a place tonight where I'm constantly going over the things that have happened the past few years where I was really hurt. I keep playing them over and over in my mind and now it feels like the wounds are fresh and new again. I'm trying desperately to find something, anything, that will get my head out of this cycle.

I tried to do yoga tonight. I really wanted to go a full session since I ate a ridiculous amount of calories today. I put in the DVD and started the work out but I just couldn't pull myself together. I couldn't concentrate or get my breathing right or my posture. Those things are really important when doing yoga. If you're not concentrating on the poses, breathing, and posture you can REALLY hurt yourself.

I am super excited to get up and start over tomorrow. I plan on going to bed early tonight so that I can get up early and get my day started. I want to get up, do my yoga (I find it easier to do in the mornings), get a shower and then I have plans to meet my very good friend, Melissa, for coffee in the morning at Barnes and Noble.

After that I have stupid work. But alas it's only a 7 hour shift and then I have the WHOLE weekend off! I am SUPER excited about that!!

Karaoke both nights this weekend and I am totally ready to rock it. :)

lindsayallison

sweet yoga

I've taken up yoga again. I'm quite excited about strengthening my body and improving my posture and breathing. I feel like this is the right kind of exercise for me because I don't particularly like regular weight lifting or cardio. Well, I do like riding my little bike machine, but I'm so excited about yoga.

My current goal is a small one. I'm trying to get under a certain number weight-wise (only about 2 more pounds to go) and I'm trying to fit a little more loosely into my size 12 jeans. Once I hit that goal, I'll set another one. I don't want to set huge goals and then get completely overwhelmed.

To date, I have lost 44 pounds from when I was my heaviest. I'm really excited about the progress I've made and I'm excited to keep it moving.

It's been a rough start. I stretched muscles I didn't even know I had. I'm actually about to go start another session. I really need to stick with this. It's so important to me.

lindsayallison

adventures in hair dye

I don't think it's any secret that I dye my hair. Frequently.

I live by the philosophy that when it comes to hair, just go for it. Don't think about it, just do it. Whatever it is that you want to do to you hair, just do it. It's what I do. I get an idea for a color or a cut and I go with it.

About a year ago I decided to dye my hair black. I love the way my hair looks pretty much any color. The black made my eyes pop because I have such light blue eyes. I love dark brown because it makes me feel closer to my Italian roots. The red I'm currently rocking looks interesting next to the faux tan (also, rocking). But blonde...oh the blonde. It's my natural (I think) color and I find myself going back to it after long bouts of a dark color.

Last fall I decided I wanted to start lightening my hair. Instead of continuing to dye it black, I decided to go with a dark red. I figured red over black would be dark red instead of using blonde and risking it turning out orange. It looked interesting to have dark intense auburn on the top fading into a black.

I attempted a lighter auburn last night. Eh, I'm not dissatisfied. My roots are a little too light for my taste. And it didn't light the ends as much as I had hoped for. But, I no longer have black hair. It's a dark, dark red color now.

It still looks different with the light red fading into such a dark color. I'm attempting to get professional advice on how to go lighter without cutting it all off or turning it any funky colors.

lindsayallison

blissful sunbathing

I am beyond ecstatic that I finally have a day off. I'm so just mentally and spiritually worn down because of my job and the stress it's providing in my life. I'm happy to have a day off to regroup before going back on Saturday.

Tomorrow is supposed to be up in the 70s. I do think that this beautiful, sunny weather calls for some sunbathing. I don't think the middle of February is too early to start on a tan, do you?

I plan to sit out on the back porch with a book and some music. Or some paper, pen and some music. Whatever I end up doing, there will be music, sun, fresh air, and quite possibly something iced from Starbucks.

On a completely UNRELATED note, I have to wonder about something. My mom and stepdad have a huge flat screen tv with HD and all that jazz. I'm sitting here watching an episode of "Bones" that I have previously seen on a "regular" tv. I don't see what the huge fuss is about with this HD crap. While it does seem more life-like, it also makes the camera work look like a motor-skills challenged two year old shot the episode instead of a slightly less challenged forty-two year old.

*sigh* Ok, I do believe it's time for me to put this post to rest. I need to go find something to do...or something to eat.

lindsayallison

happy valentines

Well, it's Valentine's Day. It's not a particularly favorite holiday of mine, but I suppose I don't hate it. Actually, I treated myself to some Ghirardelli chocolates today, so it's been a pretty good day.

I feel weird, not having posted anything the past several days, but I have found that life is quite mundane at the moment and I don't have a lot to write about. I know this may sound bad, but I find that it's quite comforting to not have any chaos going on in my life at the moment.

One of my best friends, Kaitlyn, came up for a visit at the end of last week. It was nice to see her since I hadn't seen her in a couple of months.

I'm feeling a bit like a slacker. I have to send out a belated birthday card and a belated Valentines card to some friends. All I have to do is slap a stamp on an envelope and stick it in the mailbox, but I can't seem to bring myself to get up off my butt and look for a stamp...

Maybe tomorrow.

lindsayallison

letting go

I have found myself more at ease, content, and dare I say it? Happy the past few weeks. I have found that the simple (not easy, but simple) act of letting everything go has helped my stress level immensely. I simply decided to just...not worry anymore.

It sounds ridiculously easy but it's taken me a long time to get to this place. It's definitely one of those "easier said than done" things.

I don't know how to describe what life feels like these days. I am enjoying life for the first time in a long time. I'm trying have a better relationship with my friends and my family, I have new hope for my financial situation, and I'm taking active steps to have a better professional life.

If you have a great deal of stress in your life, all I can tell you is to let it all go. Just don't hold onto it anymore. The only person causing you to keep all of that crap in your life is you.

Learn to accept people and situations for who and what they are. You can't change anyone but yourself. So focus on you, do what makes you happy. Let the stress go. There is no reason to hold onto it.

lindsayallison

the ups and downs of life

Yesterday was certainly...interesting, to say the least.

Yesterday morning wasn't terrible. I got to sleep in before I had to go to work. I had spent the night at a friend's house and had to go back home for my uniform. Then I found out that my mom was sick and she wasn't sure if it was bronchitis or the flu, so I asked my friend if I could stay for a few days while she got over it. I definitely don't want to get sick and miss any time at work.

On my way to work, I'm sitting at a stoplight and I see a homeless man on the corner. I looked over at him and realized that I had a few bucks in cash in my wallet. I looked up and realized that the light was still red and we weren't moving at all so I quickly reached in my wallet, rolled my window down and called out to him. He asked God to bless me as he took the two dollars I gave to him.

A smile immediately came on my face and I turned my attention to the cars in front of me. I happened to glance up in my rearview mirror and see that the car behind me was also giving money to the homeless man. My smile got even bigger! How cool is that? One person does one good thing (even as small as two dollars) and it's a ripple. Someone sees it and thinks, "Hey! I can spare a few extra dollars too!"

That definitely put me in a good mood going into work.

Unfortunately the good mood didn't last. :(

Work has been a mess lately. We have had a REALLY hard time finding people who are willing to work hard and get the job done. I don't want to get too much into some of the other problems because I don't want to publicly trash people because that's just not good form. But let's just say there is one person who works for the same company I do that makes my job much more difficult (unnecessarily, I might add). This person is causing me great amounts of stress and unfortunately lashed out at me last night, causing my good mood to turn.

I was quite upset on my dinner break last night. But my bestest friend in the whole world heard I wasn't having a good day so he brought me a candy bar on my break. :) That put a smile back on my face and I was able to get through the rest of the night with a fairly even mood.

I think it's interesting how things can turn around so many times in one day. I went out to karaoke last night and am glad that I did. I got to see an old friend I hadn't seen since October. I had a great time and my sisters even came out for a little bit!

Now, I'm off to have lunch with my family and then spend the rest of my day relaxing and preparing for the six day work week I have coming up.

lindsayallison

financial freedom

I'm ecstatic to say that I finished reading Dave Ramsey's "Total Money Makeover". It was a fantastic book and I'm really taking the message to heart.

For those of you who know me, I don't handle money very well. Think Becky Bloomwood from "Confessions of a Shopaholic" and that's about how I handle money. I can justify each and every purchase in some way that makes me feel better about spending money I shouldn't.

Ok, so maybe I'm not quite as bad as Becky. I'm fortunate enough to have a good enough head on my shoulders to have NOT gotten any credit cards. Even when the temptation to get one was great. But the problem I have is I like to spend money. I'm good at it. Whether it's my money, someone else's money, or money in my possession that belongs to someone else, I can spend it and I will. Money has always burned a whole in my pocket.

BUT no more! I've decided to take on the "Total Money Makeover" and live like no one else so that later I can live like no one else. If you haven't read this book, you should. Even if you are "good" with money, you should read this book. It will help you build wealth so that you can have financial freedom and security for the rest of your life.

One of my new year's resolutions was to be more financially responsible. I want to pay all of my bills on time so that I don't worry about money the way I used to. Well according to Dave, the first step is to get current on all of my bills.

This is going to be rough because there is one payment I'm two months behind on and another payment I'm one month behind on. But I am determined to be caught up on ALL of my bills by the end of the month. After I get caught up, I can start on Baby Step 1.

Baby Step 1 is to start an emergency fund of $500. (Well, $1,000 if you make more than $20,000 a year - which I don't.) I plan to try to start that a LITTLE bit this month, but I should really have it by the end of March.

After that, you start the Debt Snowball. Since I'm young, I don't have a lot of debt. All of my debt is to family members or in student loans. Today I was figuring out how much I owe and I found that I actually owe about $2,300 LESS than I thought I did in student loans! That really made my day!

What you do is list all debt from smallest to largest. You make minimum payments on all but the smallest debt. You attack that smallest debt with every spare penny you can find until it is completely paid off. Once it's paid off, you use the money you were using for that debt and apply it towards the next one on your list and do the same as you did before. Every spare penny to that debt until it is paid off. Luckily for me, I don't have much so this shouldn't take me too long.

The third step is to complete your emergency fund so that you have enough to cover 3-6 months of expenses should you lose your income. I need to figure out exactly how much that will be, but it should be a few thousand dollars.

The fourth step is to start saving for retirement. You should put 15% into a retirement fund with an interest. I don't know much about investing so I'll have to talk to an expert about how to do that exactly.

The fifth step is saving for college. Whether it's for you or your kids you start putting money towards college educations. I don't have any children and I'm not entirely sure what I want to go to school for or if I want to go at all. Luckily this step is further down the road so I don't need to worry about it just yet.

The sixth step is paying off the mortgage. I don't have one of those yet, but I do want to buy a house. So this step for me will be saving for a down payment on a house. The closer I can get to 100% down the better off I will be.

The seventh and final step is to build weath. Start having fun, investing my money in secure places and start giving it to those less fortunate than me.

I can't wait to get there. I'm so excited about this because I have hope. I'm not too bad off to start with and now I have hope that by the end of 2012 (conservatively) I will be completely debt free and on my way to getting the things I want out of life.

I hope that anyone who reads this will do the same. I haven't won yet, but now I know how to play the game and I WILL win. I will be financially fit and free from debt before I'm 30.

I couldn't be happier!

lindsayallison

PS - ok, maybe I'll be happier when I actually finish, but that's not what's important right now.

long days and bad movies

What a long ass day.

Work was fairly dead and so it just seemed to drag on and on and on and on and on...I was more than ecstatic when the other girl came in to take over at 4. I was ready to get out of there.

I then spent the afternoon cleaning up my room and organizing it. It looks so good right now. I'm quite pleased with myself. Now I just have to finish up a bit more laundry and I'll be completely done with my cleaning chores.

Now I'm sitting here, trying to figure out what I'm going to do next. I'm hungry, I think. I also am considering doing a little writing because I've been struck with inspiration lately. I think it'll help if I stop watching bad movies. And when I say bad, I mean baaad. "Center Stage" is completely awful...I mean...just awful. So why am I watching it?

Well, I'm off for a midnight snack, a bit more laundry and maybe some writing. I have a good copule of hours before it's bedtime!

lindsayallison