workin' hard

I have been so busy the past few days! My new job is totally awesome! It's been pretty interesting being on the construction site where the store will be. Things are really coming together and we're hoping that the bottom floor will be ready very soon for us to put the finishing touches on fixtures and what not. The top floor still has quite a ways to go.

I got my first battle injury today! We were sliding two by fours down a chute we have and the girl sliding them down lost control of one just as I was turning around to grab the next board. I wasn't expecting it and so it slid right into my left knee and rebounded on my right one. I have a technicolor bruise the size of a half dollar (maybe even bigger!) on my left knee. It's all kinds of blue and purple, lol! But I don't mind. It only hurts if I put pressure directly on the spot.

I'm also very actively working towards trying to unload some of my things. My very good friend, Melissa, had a great idea. Sell the crap you don't need and start actively paying down your debt! She went through her things and found a bunch of stuff she wasn't using. Then she talked to her friends who donated items for her to sell so she could keep the profit to pay off some bills. She actually did very well at the sale.

So many people wanted to donate so much stuff that we're going to have another sale at the end of the month and this time, I will have some stuff at the sale too. I want to make a few extra dollars, but more importantly I feel like it's time to lighten the load.

I am holding on to so much stuff and most of it is just trinkets from the past ten or fifteen years that really don't mean anything. Sure, there are items that have sentimental value, but most of what I have is just crap.

My next big goal is to buy a house. I'm very excited about this idea. I really don't want to rent again because I feel like it's a waste of money. Anyways, when I finally get to the point where I can buy a house, I want to be able to start over. I want to have only the possessions that mean something to me and then I want to rebuild a home from the ground up.

The best way to do that is to throw away, sell, or donate the things I'm not using or are just plain garbage. This plan is really killing two birds with one stone because before I can buy a house, I want to be 100% debt free. And with this sale, that will give me a boost to getting there!

I'm really excited about this new direction I have. I've been drifting for so long and now I have a goal, a plan, and a hell of a lot of motivation to get there!

lindsayallison

panama city

Tomorrow is my last day at Staples. After that I have five whole days off and I am headed to Panama City to see my bestie, Felicia for a few days. I can not wait to get out of here and not have to worry about a thing for a few days.

I am super excited about starting my new job, but I realized today that there are some people that I really am going to miss at Staples. It's been kinda rough saying goodbye to everyone, but everyone has been super sweet to me and some have even said some really nice things to me.

Today I got to meet my Dad's new girlfriend. She was super nice and sweet. My Dad seems to be really happy these days and that makes me happy.

Gah, I'm super sleepy now. It's bed time for me!

lindsayallison

consistency

It's been such a weird week for me.

Sunday night ended with devastating news about a very dear friend of mine who suddenly passed away. The funeral service is tomorrow afternoon. I think that once I say goodbye, I'll be able to move on and get back to the happy place I've been in recently.

I am having a problem with consistency. It's something I've struggled with for my entire life. I want to do something but I never seem to follow through on it.

The biggest thing I'm concerned about is my weight loss. I have lost (to date) 45 pounds since I was at my heaviest. I know that a big part of this was not eating out so much, and learning to use portion control. My weight loss has plateaued recently and I know that that has a tendency to happen. What I'm concerned about is I can't seem to stop eating. I'm eating out again too much and I'm eating too much in general.

I had started doing yoga. I loved it. I loved how I felt after I did it. But I can't find the motivation to do it this past week. I know that if I go and get food while I'm at work that I'm just spending money I shouldn't be and that it's just unheatlhy. But I can't seem to stop myself. My justification for doing it is stronger than any justification I can think of to not do it.

It's been a very big struggle for me.

In other news, Felicia is in town this weekend and I'm super excited. We're making plans for me to go down and visit in her in Panama City in a couple of weeks. I'm really looking forward to getting out of town for a few days.

lindsayallison

a string of thoughts

I'm feeling a little down tonight. I have a lot on my mind. Mostly things of an extremely personal nature that I just don't feel comfortable sharing here for all the world to see.

One thing I am struggling with is forgiveness. I found myself in a place tonight where I'm constantly going over the things that have happened the past few years where I was really hurt. I keep playing them over and over in my mind and now it feels like the wounds are fresh and new again. I'm trying desperately to find something, anything, that will get my head out of this cycle.

I tried to do yoga tonight. I really wanted to go a full session since I ate a ridiculous amount of calories today. I put in the DVD and started the work out but I just couldn't pull myself together. I couldn't concentrate or get my breathing right or my posture. Those things are really important when doing yoga. If you're not concentrating on the poses, breathing, and posture you can REALLY hurt yourself.

I am super excited to get up and start over tomorrow. I plan on going to bed early tonight so that I can get up early and get my day started. I want to get up, do my yoga (I find it easier to do in the mornings), get a shower and then I have plans to meet my very good friend, Melissa, for coffee in the morning at Barnes and Noble.

After that I have stupid work. But alas it's only a 7 hour shift and then I have the WHOLE weekend off! I am SUPER excited about that!!

Karaoke both nights this weekend and I am totally ready to rock it. :)

lindsayallison

happy valentines

Well, it's Valentine's Day. It's not a particularly favorite holiday of mine, but I suppose I don't hate it. Actually, I treated myself to some Ghirardelli chocolates today, so it's been a pretty good day.

I feel weird, not having posted anything the past several days, but I have found that life is quite mundane at the moment and I don't have a lot to write about. I know this may sound bad, but I find that it's quite comforting to not have any chaos going on in my life at the moment.

One of my best friends, Kaitlyn, came up for a visit at the end of last week. It was nice to see her since I hadn't seen her in a couple of months.

I'm feeling a bit like a slacker. I have to send out a belated birthday card and a belated Valentines card to some friends. All I have to do is slap a stamp on an envelope and stick it in the mailbox, but I can't seem to bring myself to get up off my butt and look for a stamp...

Maybe tomorrow.

lindsayallison

letting go

I have found myself more at ease, content, and dare I say it? Happy the past few weeks. I have found that the simple (not easy, but simple) act of letting everything go has helped my stress level immensely. I simply decided to just...not worry anymore.

It sounds ridiculously easy but it's taken me a long time to get to this place. It's definitely one of those "easier said than done" things.

I don't know how to describe what life feels like these days. I am enjoying life for the first time in a long time. I'm trying have a better relationship with my friends and my family, I have new hope for my financial situation, and I'm taking active steps to have a better professional life.

If you have a great deal of stress in your life, all I can tell you is to let it all go. Just don't hold onto it anymore. The only person causing you to keep all of that crap in your life is you.

Learn to accept people and situations for who and what they are. You can't change anyone but yourself. So focus on you, do what makes you happy. Let the stress go. There is no reason to hold onto it.

lindsayallison

the ups and downs of life

Yesterday was certainly...interesting, to say the least.

Yesterday morning wasn't terrible. I got to sleep in before I had to go to work. I had spent the night at a friend's house and had to go back home for my uniform. Then I found out that my mom was sick and she wasn't sure if it was bronchitis or the flu, so I asked my friend if I could stay for a few days while she got over it. I definitely don't want to get sick and miss any time at work.

On my way to work, I'm sitting at a stoplight and I see a homeless man on the corner. I looked over at him and realized that I had a few bucks in cash in my wallet. I looked up and realized that the light was still red and we weren't moving at all so I quickly reached in my wallet, rolled my window down and called out to him. He asked God to bless me as he took the two dollars I gave to him.

A smile immediately came on my face and I turned my attention to the cars in front of me. I happened to glance up in my rearview mirror and see that the car behind me was also giving money to the homeless man. My smile got even bigger! How cool is that? One person does one good thing (even as small as two dollars) and it's a ripple. Someone sees it and thinks, "Hey! I can spare a few extra dollars too!"

That definitely put me in a good mood going into work.

Unfortunately the good mood didn't last. :(

Work has been a mess lately. We have had a REALLY hard time finding people who are willing to work hard and get the job done. I don't want to get too much into some of the other problems because I don't want to publicly trash people because that's just not good form. But let's just say there is one person who works for the same company I do that makes my job much more difficult (unnecessarily, I might add). This person is causing me great amounts of stress and unfortunately lashed out at me last night, causing my good mood to turn.

I was quite upset on my dinner break last night. But my bestest friend in the whole world heard I wasn't having a good day so he brought me a candy bar on my break. :) That put a smile back on my face and I was able to get through the rest of the night with a fairly even mood.

I think it's interesting how things can turn around so many times in one day. I went out to karaoke last night and am glad that I did. I got to see an old friend I hadn't seen since October. I had a great time and my sisters even came out for a little bit!

Now, I'm off to have lunch with my family and then spend the rest of my day relaxing and preparing for the six day work week I have coming up.

lindsayallison

trampled

So I feel like I'm a door mat.

I feel like I've been walked all over, trampled for so long. It seems to me, that people will do whatever the hell they want, regardless of how it affects another's feelings.

Well I'm done being a doormat. I'm done letting how someone else MIGHT react to something affect what I'm going to do. It's obvious no one gives me the same consideration, so why should I bother anymore?

I just don't care what any of you do. I just don't care who's sleeping with who, or who's talking to who. All you need to know is that I will no longer hold my negative emotions back. I don't give a flying rat's ass who gets pissed at me.

And there are some of you out there who need to realize that I've put up with unacceptable behavior for far too long. By putting up with it, it's like I'm supporting it. Well not anymore. I won't put up with it anymore. And if you should decide to continue, then you need to realize it might cost you one hell of a friend.

You know who you are.

Tell me, was it worth it?

lindsayallison

frustration

What do you do when you have a person in your life who just won't...leave?

I tried to reach out, I tried to be a good friend, I tried to help. All of it was thrown back in my face as a knife was twisting in my back. I bowed out gracefully. I said "No more!" and decided I would continue on with my life without this person.

Unfortunately said person is demanding time and attention from those closest to me, from those I love. Even when I walked away, this person is still there. In the periphery of my life.

I HATE that there is nothing I can do to change this. It's bothering me more than I can say. I don't want it to bother me, and I've tried to make myself indifferent, but how can you when you feel so betrayed? How can you feel indifferent when you feel like someone is trying to take over your life?

Maybe it's stupid on my part. Maybe I'm just overreacting. I don't know.

All I know is that I can't deal with this anymore. My anger grows every day. My frustration and my impatience are at my fingertips, itching for me to do something about this situation. I want this to end more than anything.

The good news? I know exactly what I can do/say to end this situation.

The bad news? It would destroy this someone.

And while I may be frustrated; and while I may feel like I'm being provoked to actions beyond my control, I refuse to be the villain in this story. I refuse to sink down to the level of slime. I refuse to let my anger and my frustrations control me.

I just wish I had a better outlet than crying myself to sleep every night.

lindsayallison

money money money

"Money, money, money,
must be funny
in a rich man's world.
Money, money, money,
Always sunny
in the rich man's world.
Aha!
All the things I could do,
if I had a little money.
It's a rich man's world!"

ABBA sang it true. It's definitely a rich man's world.

I feel so stuck when it comes to finances. It seems that I'm always trying to be careful and I always end up with a really low balance in my account. Then I'm even more careful. And then...BAM! Overdraft fees.

I HATE overdraft fees. I mean, the guy who's CEO of my bank (Bank of America) makes millions of dollars every year. You wanna know what I made last year? I barely broke 10 grand. Yep, that's it. $10,000 last year. I made so little money that even the GOVERNMENT gave me back all of the money they took from me last year. That's how pathetic I am.

What I hate most is that in reality, how I spent my money, I should have only been charged one overdraft fee. But no, they hold off on completely processing the small transaction that should have gone through no problem until the BIG transaction (a check) comes in. Then they take the big transaction out, put me in the negative, and THEN take out the small one so they can hit me with two overdraft fees.

It's really pissing me off that these board of directors and CEOs can just take people's money like this. I mean, I make SO LITTLE and I'm trying SO HARD and it just doesn't seem to matter.

I'm in desperate need of financial help. Luckily, my mom is going to help me create a budget. I think when I finally move in with her (which will be really soon, especially after this) it will help me even more. I think I might even need to have her put on my account again. If I know that she can monitor my online banking, it might help me be a little more discrete (spelling?) with my spending. What I love is that my mom is not judgmental. She understands that I'm just NOT GOOD with money. I think she understands that I need someone to point out my mistakes with love and kindness and not judgment. She understands that I don't need someone to yell at me, but rather to help me.

In other news, Kay left. She spent most of the week with us and it was really nice to spend time with her. What was also really nice, was talking to Felicia on the phone last night. I hadn't really talked to her since she left SC back about three weeks ago or so. I've missed her like crazy. It was so nice to hear that she is doing SO WELL in her new job in Florida.

Right now? I'm going to attempt to relax. I had a long, rough day with some driving and then I had to work. Our A/C is out in several places at work. After about an hour and a half I started feeling super light headed, dizzy, and I found I couldn't focus. Luckily I got some water and a small snack on my break to help with my low blood sugar and my dehydration. It was all I could do to get home, get in my pajamas, and then collapse in my recliner. I have to work early in the morning, so I'm just going to get a shower and some sleep.

Maybe I can find it in me to draw up a bubble bath and really relax. Who knows?

lindsayallison

baby therapy

Well, today is a new day. I surprisingly already have a sense of calm and peace. I took care of a few things last night and made some decisions that I hope will keep me on this new path I've decided to follow.

The termite guy just showed up and told me that I am free and clear of any termites in the house. It's always nice to know that your house isn't being eaten alive by tiny bugs.

Plans for today? Well, Kay is in town and I think I will be going to see her at some point today. But first, I have to go get me some baby therapy. There's nothing quite as calming and can make you feel good as holding a little baby. Plus, I apparently have to have a talk with my little "niece" about normal sleep schedules and the meaning of the term, "beauty sleep". (It is never too early to start, you know.)

Then I do believe I have a phone date with one, Ms. Felicia, who recently moved away and whom I miss terribly.

It's going to be a busy, busy day off!

lindsayallison