not your ordinary princess: anger

Showing posts with label anger. Show all posts

Thursday, February 24, 2011

a string of thoughts

I'm feeling a little down tonight. I have a lot on my mind. Mostly things of an extremely personal nature that I just don't feel comfortable sharing here for all the world to see.

One thing I am struggling with is forgiveness. I found myself in a place tonight where I'm constantly going over the things that have happened the past few years where I was really hurt. I keep playing them over and over in my mind and now it feels like the wounds are fresh and new again. I'm trying desperately to find something, anything, that will get my head out of this cycle.

I tried to do yoga tonight. I really wanted to go a full session since I ate a ridiculous amount of calories today. I put in the DVD and started the work out but I just couldn't pull myself together. I couldn't concentrate or get my breathing right or my posture. Those things are really important when doing yoga. If you're not concentrating on the poses, breathing, and posture you can REALLY hurt yourself.

I am super excited to get up and start over tomorrow. I plan on going to bed early tonight so that I can get up early and get my day started. I want to get up, do my yoga (I find it easier to do in the mornings), get a shower and then I have plans to meet my very good friend, Melissa, for coffee in the morning at Barnes and Noble.

After that I have stupid work. But alas it's only a 7 hour shift and then I have the WHOLE weekend off! I am SUPER excited about that!!

Karaoke both nights this weekend and I am totally ready to rock it. :)

lindsayallison

Tuesday, July 20, 2010

anger

I'm struggling with anger in bad, bad way. I feel like there have been so many times that I should've gotten angry and I didn't. I just buried the feelings.

Well, now the'yre back with a vengeance. I'm going to bite my tongue for the moment before I start really pissing some people off. I'm hoping this is just a quick, passing phase.

lindsayallison

Sunday, July 18, 2010

trampled

So I feel like I'm a door mat.

I feel like I've been walked all over, trampled for so long. It seems to me, that people will do whatever the hell they want, regardless of how it affects another's feelings.

Well I'm done being a doormat. I'm done letting how someone else MIGHT react to something affect what I'm going to do. It's obvious no one gives me the same consideration, so why should I bother anymore?

I just don't care what any of you do. I just don't care who's sleeping with who, or who's talking to who. All you need to know is that I will no longer hold my negative emotions back. I don't give a flying rat's ass who gets pissed at me.

And there are some of you out there who need to realize that I've put up with unacceptable behavior for far too long. By putting up with it, it's like I'm supporting it. Well not anymore. I won't put up with it anymore. And if you should decide to continue, then you need to realize it might cost you one hell of a friend.

You know who you are.

Tell me, was it worth it?

lindsayallison

Thursday, July 15, 2010

frustration

What do you do when you have a person in your life who just won't...leave?

I tried to reach out, I tried to be a good friend, I tried to help. All of it was thrown back in my face as a knife was twisting in my back. I bowed out gracefully. I said "No more!" and decided I would continue on with my life without this person.

Unfortunately said person is demanding time and attention from those closest to me, from those I love. Even when I walked away, this person is still there. In the periphery of my life.

I HATE that there is nothing I can do to change this. It's bothering me more than I can say. I don't want it to bother me, and I've tried to make myself indifferent, but how can you when you feel so betrayed? How can you feel indifferent when you feel like someone is trying to take over your life?

Maybe it's stupid on my part. Maybe I'm just overreacting. I don't know.

All I know is that I can't deal with this anymore. My anger grows every day. My frustration and my impatience are at my fingertips, itching for me to do something about this situation. I want this to end more than anything.

The good news? I know exactly what I can do/say to end this situation.

The bad news? It would destroy this someone.

And while I may be frustrated; and while I may feel like I'm being provoked to actions beyond my control, I refuse to be the villain in this story. I refuse to sink down to the level of slime. I refuse to let my anger and my frustrations control me.

I just wish I had a better outlet than crying myself to sleep every night.

lindsayallison

What I'm Reading...

Here is the complete honest truth: I have not read a novel in some time. I have a pile of books I want to read. Most are old titles of Karen Hawkins (What did you expect?) that have been collecting dust and diet coke cans for a couple of months.

As I bought three more books today, I realized that I need to actually read these things. It’s important for writers to spend time reading as well. You have to be caught up on what the market is trending, what readers are reading, and what is making and impact and what isn’t.

I have been so bad about this. It’s appalling really.

I used to bring a book with me to work to read during my lunch break. It was great. THEN I got a smart phone and started spending time on that during lunch instead of reading. I think this needs to stop. I really need to spend my time appropriately and reading some of these novels I keep spending money on.

So that’s the new plan then. I am going to pick up that novel I’ve started three times and keep putting down and actually finish it. I think it’s also time that I expand my favorite authors list. I need to read more than two authors on a regular basis I think.

What I'm Working On...

I have been working on lots of different things lately.

January I was working on some old projects that I don't care to spend a lot of time talking about.

As part of a writing group that was formed during last year's National Novel Writing Month, I was part of a writing challenge for the month of February. We came up with a 20K challenge. Yes, that's right. We wanted to write 20,000 words in the little month of February.

I spent most of February working on THE novel, "The Curious Tales of Lost Girls." This novel is a dark piece and it's really hard to get these words out. So the fact that this thing is about half done is quite a huge relief to me at the moment. I have a love/hate relationship with this novel at the moment.

Because it's so dark, that once I completed the 20K, I moved on. I edited/revised an old short story entitled, "Far Away." You can find the short story in its entirety posted on this blog. It's a sappy, romantic piece that I wrote a couple of years ago. I am so pleased with the final product.

After that I moved on to a "novellette" that I started a couple of years ago called "Home for the Holidays." I am happy that it's finished. I am NOT happy with the words it contains. It's currently a piece of crap and so I will let it simmer for a bit before I start the editing/revising process on that one.

Now that March has started, the group has come up with another challenge. Short stories from writing prompts! One per week! I'm currently finishing an old short story (it only had 400 words) while I let my "real" short story for this week form in my head. The first one is another sappy, romantic one about soulmates.

I haven't completely decided on what this new short story is going to be about yet. The writing prompt was "It's 1969, you're 17 and normally quiet and reserved. How did you spend your summer vacation?" I think the title is going to just be "1969". I like the simplicity of it. I know I want to write about a young woman, but I'm not sure where to go beyond that. There was so much going on that year! But what to throw her into?

Character of the Month

Kallista James has been on her own for pretty much her entire life. When Kallista was born, her parents had not been ready for a child. They had been very young and wanted to continue their partying ways, so they did.

At the age of five years old, Kallista met the girl who would become her lifelong best friend, Jade Bennett. It didn’t take long before Jade’s parents realized Kallista’s home life left something to be desired and they took her under their wing. Kallista flourished like never before in the Bennett household. She was close with the whole family, including Jade’s older brother, Chris.

When Kallista was sixteen, her parents were killed in a car accident. In a moment of intense grief, she found comfort with Chris. After sharing an intense kiss, Chris confesses his feelings for her. Before the teenagers can explore their feelings, a fight with his parents sends Chris packing, swearing never to return.

Kallista moved on. She dedicated herself to her schoolwork and to her photography. After graduation, she made a name for herself as a photographer. When she goes home for a summer vacation, she finds herself face to face Chris once more. Now all the feelings she thought she was over have resurfaced and she must find a way to deal with them and him before disaster strikes.